Sunday, January 8, 2017

That nagnag behind your eyehole's responsibilities got you feelin' anything less than ecstatic in this age of anxiety? Is it screaming in your ears, throwing metaphorical sand in your eyes or crawling up inside your skin like flies on somethin' dead? If so, do not despair. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I know the feeling well, in fact I have a solution!

The best working remedy I've found comes in the form of an aural suppository: 9 medicinal tracks to be inserted into your ear holes in semi regular five minute intervals. Now I know what you're thinking. "How could it be so easy?" We both know this brain-scraping character that we are trying to scare out from behind your forehead is no easy prey. If you're anything like how I was, you've been trying to rid your house of pests like him since forever. But please, have faith. Upon beginning treatment, you'll notice an almost immediate emotional reaction. This is what we want, we're confusing him. By track 3 you'll feel a strange sense that you are leaving your own body. Do not concern yourself with this, it is only him trying to hang on to your brain synapsis and failing. By track six you might a strange morose feeling. Again, this is good. This is his last attempt at stopping his expulsion, please ignore it. By the last track, the nausea should have set in. This is the expulsion, and the final step in your treatment.

Congratulations! You are cured.

If the above methods have induced sickness but no expulsion, please stare deep into the eyes of this sad man and think about emptiness until you vomit.

FREE EP: Pity Party (electronic/hip hop)

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